Q Weblog

Parenting and Life: First Thoughts

I am thinking about what the first principle of parenting should be given the times in which we live. It seems to me that as Western society falls deeper and deeper into the abyss of purposelessness that comes with kufr different parts of life or spheres of our activity compete for the position left vacant by religion. So what happens is that some of us take parenting as a life purpose and in the process the child becomes something of a deity. The consequences for the child are nothing short of devastating. I'll flesh that out in future posts insha Allah right now though it serves as the basis for what may perhaps be considered the first principle of parenting in these times. It concerns love and is from the Quran. Allah, Most High says:

Say: 'If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your clan, your possessions that you have gained, commerce you fear may slacken, dwellings you love - if these are dearer to you than God and His Messenger, and to struggle in His way, then wait till God brings His command; God guides not the people of the ungodly.'  ( Sura Tawba, Verse 24)

Imam Qurtubi says, "This verse is proof that it is obligatory to love Allah and His Messenger, there being no difference of opinion concerning this within the Ummah, and that that (love) takes precedence over every other love."

This principle concerns the basis of true love: that which returns to Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace). People who base their lives and relationships on this ideal are in a position to be good Muslims and thus the most effective parents and as the Arabs say wa illa fa la, and if not then no! The point here is that Allah should be the focus of our lives. Pleasing Him, Most High and living according to his revealed way must be be at the forefront of everything that we do. When our lives have this direction and purpose our homes become enlightened vessels that can prepare our children for their journey through this world to a safe destination in the next. So one could say that perhaps the most precious thing that parents can give to their children is that direction, that purpose.

Yet purpose and direction are not learned from books or by verbal orders. Rather it is something absorbed by the children as they observe and live with their parents. It is the overall result of the decisions parents as people make daily: what our daily routines are like, the types of discussions we have or do not have at the dinner table, the things we indicate are important by word and deed, comments we make when things happen on the street or on TV and so on. In other words children learn more based on how we are as opposed to what we tell them when we lecture to them. So those who live day in and out simply to acquire more wealth will teach their children that the world is always enough and will cause them to be materialistic and even unscrupulous. Whereas those who live simply for their children catering to their every whim will teach their children that they (the children) are the center of the universe and will cause them to be selfish and self-centered.

However if the children see the parents as people who are motivated by a vision that extends beyond this world into the next and whose motions are infused with love and loyalty to Allah and His Messenger then they will intuit their place in the scheme of things and with the firm and loving guidance of their parents, and the tawfiq of Allah, Most High they too will continue along that path. Now let me clarify in closing that I'm not saying that one need be a good Muslim in order to be a good parent. That is putting the cart before the horse. Rather a good Muslim is one who fullfills his duties to his Lord and thence to his fellow creatures including his children if he is so blessed by Allah to have: so being a good parent is part of being a good Muslim. And that, being a good Muslim, is the starting point and the ending point of all that will be addressed here. I ask Allah for success in this regard. 

 و الحمد لله رب العالمين

22:58 , 23 03 09

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